Case of the Mondays

See you tomorrow.  Enjoy your day.

Urban Wednesdays

I am in an unusually perky mood considering the events that have ocurred in the past few days.  Smoking really changes your perspective Alright!  Time for the best day EVER!  It is Hump Day and on this fine day, as you all know, I LOVE to inspire and educate your minds with your weekly dose of urban vocabulary.  Learn something new:

OPM

Other People’s Money

Man, this cellie bill is killin me, I gotta get some OPM.

Liptease

The act of putting on lipstick suggestively;
The oral equivalent of a striptease.

Diane was giving me a liptease from across the room, so I went over and asked her out.

Song Binging

To binge on a song or artist.
The act of repeatedly and obsessively listening to a particular song or artist over a relatively short period of time. Periods of song binging are followed by extended periods of skipping the certain track or artist, leaving them unplayed.

girl: omg, im so bloody obsessed with fall out boy’s new song!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ive played it 84 times in the last 24hrs!!!
guy: stop song binging and go listen to other shit for once.

Go out and use these words in a sentence.  Enjoy.

Bon Qui Qui

I have decided that this is who I would be if I worked at Burger King…

In honor of the Toga Party tonight….

Happy Thursday!

This is a lovely story about a fellow sorority member in her bio class.  I have no idea why I thought this was a good post for Thirsty Thursday, but it’s okay.  I’ll find something else later on today.  Other than that, have a fantabulous day.  For those of you going to the Toga Party, make every stereotype about the Greek system proud.  You’re all winners.  Enjoy…

Mouth Cells

I'm a bio major at IUP (Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
and was taking a cell biology course my freshman year.  The
task of the day was examining epitheleal cheek cells under a
microscope. We had to scrape the inside of our mouth with a
toothpick and make a slide from it and i.d. the different types
of cells that were found. One girl in the class (a rather well
built sorority gal, which is why I sat next to her) was having
some trouble identifing some cells. She called the prof. over
to ask him. After a moment or two of peering in her scope, he
looked up, and said in a loud voice, "Those are sperm cells."

The girl turned bright red and ran out of the room. Needless
to say, she dropped the class. (Although I spent two weeks
looking for her, I never did see her again.) Such is life  

                                            - Author Unknown

Urban Wednesdays

It’s been an interesting couple of days for me, I hope you will be able to say the same.  Today is the end of dry rush, PLEASE don’t get too hyphy on me guys.  I need you in commission for tomorrow night.  Until then, here’s your daily dose of wisdom:

Silent Rave

“Rave” or form of wild dancing party where all of the members listen to music through headphones on separate portable music players. The players are all synchronized so everyone is hearing the same thing, but no outsiders hear anything, hence the “silent” portion of the name.

The police didn’t bust the silent rave down the street because nobody complained about the noise.

PMF

Private Message Fucking. Act of sexual actions in a Private Message.

Do you wanna PMF?
They are PMF’ing…

The Big Hurt

What you are after waking up from days of alcohol/ substance abuse. Also a sick reggae/DnB band from Baltimore.

Now go off and use these words in a sentence today.  Who knows, you may actually impress someone with your ghetto intellect.

Oh Mondays, you’ve never let me down…

I hope everyone had an interesting weekend.  It’s  Bid Day here for all of the Panhellenic sororities.  Hopefully you all get the girls you were hoping for.  Congratulations to those new little babies, and best of luck to them in their new house.

Now, time to get down to business.  It’s all about laughing our asses off this dreary Monday morning.  Even I’m having a difficult time putting a smile on my face.  But that’s the the Daily is for!  Enjoy.

Man Catches Crocodile
	A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, “Please let me go. I’ll grant you any wish you desire.”The man said, “Okay. I wish my balls could touch the ground.” So the crocodile bit his legs off.

Urban Wednesdays

Happy Hump Day everyone!  I have got some fabulous words for you guys today.  I really miss helping you guys with your edumacation.  Now time for the important stuff: 

Fexpensive

(adj.) Fucking expensive

A: Oh man, look at the price! 200 bucks for a shirt!
B: Wow, it does look fexpensive.

Thumb me

Encourage a friend to send you a SMS on their cell phone/mobile. The thumb being the key finger used in texting a message.

Mary thumb me the details once I finish this cell phone call.

Post-Party Depression

The feeling you have after a big party you had been anticipating is over.

“Dude, Saturday, I totally was experiencing post-party depression.  After  the big tailgate, I was super depressed when it was over.  Sad face.”

Go out and use these in a sentence today.  Show people that you’re down with the homies.

Tuesday: Astrology for breakfast?

So I found this on a jokes page, and it has everything to do with astrological signs.  We both know that I love astrology, tarot, whatever that is basically not normal and can’t be explained.  But this had a little bite to it.  Go ahead and scroll down for your sign:

1. Taurus (April 21-May 21)

These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach
to the opposite sex which can only be called tactless. The
typical Taurus pickup line is "wanna fuck?"  The typical Taurus
comeback to that line is "no, thanks, I already have one asshole
in my pants."

But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him.
He'll rent a $200-a-night hotel room, and a $500-a-night whore,
and pretend he is having fun. At least half of Mastercard's
business is done with Tauruses.

A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show
for it. Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll
see at least a whole wall of trophies. Never mind that they are
for "Most Improved Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or
"Fastest Sheep Catcher in Texas." It's the trophy that counts.

Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex.
In all cases, the Taurus person will bite off more than he can
chew. Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's alleged
love life.

Famous Taurus people include Barbara Streisand, Margot Fonteyn,
Sandra Dee, Ella Fitzgerald, Irving Berlin, Johannes Brahms,
Sigmund Freud, Sandy Dennis.


2. Gemini (May 22-June 21)

Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an
enigma. Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then
go do something absolutely different, they are not being
two-faced. When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they
know not what they do," he was probably looking at a gaggle
of Gemini.

This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes
always have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they
are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men
are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by,
and one of them sighs. The other turns to him and says "Brucie!
ShAme on you! What was that all about?!!"  And Brucie answers,
"Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first time in my
life I wished I was a lesbian!"

Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught."
Women, especially, love to pricktease, and then when the guy falls
all over them drooling, she'll *forget* she was ever remotely
interested. Bitch.

However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are
easily taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini
parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar.
Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts,
even when neither of their parents have sisters.

Famous people born under this sign include Marilyn Monroe, Joan
Collins, Bob Hope, Tony Curtis, John Wayne, Pat Boone, Lord Larry
Olivier, Queen Victoria, Brigham Young.


3. Cancer (June 22-July 23)

This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac.
Cancers live for their homes and families. While the spouse
is in a motel room with the secretary, the Cancer is sitting at
home, telling the kids how wonderful it is that dad stays late
at the office to earn more bread for the family home.
Cancers get married. And fucked. And married. And fucked. And married.
But who's counting?

Cancers are pretty dull lovers. Foreplay to a Cancer man involves
a kiss on the cheek. Ask a Cancer woman what for  play is, and she'll
say "something they shout on a golf course before they throw out
the first ball." The phrase "wham, bam, thank you, mam" was invented
to describe a Cancer's honeymoon.

While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good
time, because they live in a dream world. Walter Mitty was probably
a Cancer.

Other famous people born under this sign are Ernest Hemingway,
Mary Baker Eddy, John Quincy Adams, Ginger Rogers, Olivia De Havilland,
Natalie Wood, Yul Brynner and Red Skelton.


4. Leo (July 24-August 23)

With great personal charm and animal magnetism, Leos don't have
to be good-looking to get some nookie. Leos are also romantic,
which helps a lot in the free fuck department.
However, all this charm is superficial, and though Leos make
great one-night stands, they usually flop as spouses.

An example might be of the Leo couple who wind up in a
candle-lit honeymoon suite, and she enters the bedroom in a
classy lace nightie, and he slowly removes it, and kisses
her all over. But when they get into bed, all they can do
is talk about how wonderful and romantic they make each other
feel. She's frigid and he can't get it up.

But on the brighter side, a Leo is a wonderful confidant,
someone you can tell anything to. A good shoulder to cry on.
On the other hand, a Leo tends to let conceit and vanity get
in the way. They make great sales-people -- they can sell
fishnet stockings to a quadraplegiac.

Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous.
The phrases "The check is in the mail", "I love you", and
"I won't cum in your mouth" are all on the Top 10 Phrases
to save for Leos.

Famous Leos include Peter O'Toole, Lucille Ball, Herman
Melville, George Bernard Shaw, Cecil B DeMille and Claude
Debussy.


5. Virgo (August 24-September 23)

A true horror in the sexual zodiac, Virgos are the only people
who can become prostitutes and still claim to be virgins. A
Virgo tends toward a practical and realistic attitude towards
sex, so this little pun is not at all far-fetched.

A Virgo will, for instance, ask $50 for a blowjob, $75 if you
cum in his/her mouth, or $20 a minute, whichever "comes" first.
People born under this sign can be witty, articulate, charming,
and 'lives of the party', but they usually fuck it up by hiding
their emotions.

Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat
covers down on a clean motel john. They are the kind of people
who insist on using the unopened tube of K-Y. If the condom
isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't go near it. And complete showers,
if not disinfected baths, are required both before and after.
And if you even touch a Virgos asshole, kiss your tryst goodbye.

Famous people born under this sign include Leo Tolstoy, Walter
Reed, H.G.Wells, Upron Sinclair, Cliff Robertson, Sean Connery,
Kitty Carlisle, Lauren Becall, Greta Garbo, Raquel Welch.


6. Libra (September 24-October 23)

Libras are anal retentives whose sole purpose in life is to be
right all the time. They respond to admiration, praise and flattery,
but only for a couple of seconds at a time.

Libras love living in style, especially if they cannot afford it.
Show me a bitch who won't fuck until she's had jewelry, candlelight
dinners in expensive restaurants & satin sheets, and I'll show you
a loose Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that
may be why they lead their spouses around on a leash.

Hobbies Libras love include interior decoration (when someone else
is paying for it), fashion, needlework (including voodoo), listening
to art shows, and watching concerts. Opera fans are almost always
Libras.

These people will do almost anything for peace and harmony. The way
to drive a Libra ape-shit is to say "fuck me or I'll  play loud punk
rock music." Along those lines, Libras make the best hostages.
Unfortunately, many of them also become cops. Nightsticks make a
well-behaved lover.

Famous Libras include Friedrich Nietzsche, Eugene O'Neill, Brigitte
Bardot (No? Really?), Julie Andrews, Angie Dickinson, Angela Lansbury,
Charleston Heston, and Helen Hayes.


7. Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac.
Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone
normally ends in rape. The back seat is where he/she makes his/her
moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX...and his/her "toys".
Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpios are often challenged to
duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at
30 paces.

Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc.
They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to
their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation. In youth, Scorpios
hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person
to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age,
they hang around  playgrounds with bags of candy.

Charles Manson is a Scorpio.

Other famous Scorpios include Richard Burton, Dick Cavett, Will Rogers,
Son of Sam, the Hillside Strangler, the Boston Strangler, the Heimlich
Manuever Strangler, Teddy Roosevelt, Billy Graham, Katherine Hepburn,
& about 1/12th of the rest of the human race.

Scorpios posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They
think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every
penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted
marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just
depends on what catches their eye. Scorpios always want what they can't
have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally.

Scorpios are held in awe by their enemies & are admired passionately by
their friends...both of them. And Scorpios return that loyalty...until
someone says "Good Morning" to them in a funny tone of voice. Scorpios
fear nothing. Most Scorpios are murdered in their beds.


8. Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

Their positive, optimistic enthusiasm for life makes these people
fucking disgusting. They are a delight to be with, the life of the
party, and are never a burdon to their friends, letting the woes
of life roll off of them. Pretty nauseating.

A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and being a good fuck are
also attributes of the Sag. So with all this going for them, what
ever could they do wrong? Well, sad but true, the Sagittarius
person is a great one-night stand, but a lousy spouse. They get
married, and married, and married, and never get carried away.

They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it.
A single Sagittarius is charming, but a married one is an
obnoxious flirt who would sell his/her spouse for a roll in the
hay with a new young stag/broad. And it often works out that way.

Sags also have a great temper. A Sagittarius couple is about as
amusing a thought as marrying a Jewish American Princess to the
leader of the PLO.

Famous Sagittarians include John Milton, Heinrich Heine, Martin
Van Buren, Fiorello La Guardia, Jane Fonda, Kirk Douglas,
Frank Sinatra, Joe Dimaggio, Noel Coward, Louisa May Alcott,
Lee Remick, Mary Martin and Andy Williams.


9. Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality,
hardly ever fun to be with, but lots of class. They tend
to look taller than they really are, and, speaking of which,
Capricorn men always seem to have 10 inches, even if they
really only have 3.

Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they
are really conservative, tight-assed cowards...with class.
These are the true snots of the world. But they make good
supportive wives....especially the men.

Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other
people think of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are
much more interested in appearances than any other sign. But
if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even.
They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees
when they see you. Women who marry a Capricorn, and flirt, end
up with a pussy full of cocksicle.

Most horoscopes claim that Capricorns can be the most passionate
lovers in the Zodiac when they lose their inhibitions, but since
they rarely touch drugs, this almost never happens.

Famous Capricorns are Louis Pasteur, Ben Franklin, Beethoven,
Isaac Newton, Henry Miller, Rudyard K.ipling, Marlene Dietrich,
Loretta Young, Mary Tyler Moore, Danny Kaye, Cary Grant, Janis
Joplin and Elvis Presley.


10. Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most
original, inventive and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians
fuck like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was probably first used as an
elementary school coloring book for Aquarius kids.

Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp
analytical perception. Thus, they can dream of a new sexual
position and immediately know if it is a physical possibility.
Advances in civilization, science, and new inventions are
a special interest to this sign. Most sex aids were invented
by Aquarians.

Generous to a fault, it was an Aquarius who invented the
"pity fuck." Someone having a rough time? Well, fuck 'em!
Literally! It'll cheer him up, at least. Of course, when an
Aquarius screws you, you may walk bowlegged for months.
It depends on how many positions, "toys" and hours the session
lasts.

On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't
give a shit for other people's opinions. At times they are careless,
slovenly and absent-minded. Even odoriferous. People of this sign
are the most likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass
them on.

Famous Aqaurians include: Vanessa Redgrave, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and
her sister Eva, Kim Novak, Paul Newman, Clark Gable, John
Barrymore, Cahrles Dickens, Thomas Edison, Lewis Carroll
and Robert Burns.

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11. Pisces (February 20-March 20)

These wishy-washy nerds are the most sexually inept of all the
signs. Pisces can't get it up, and Pisces women have pussies
that are as wet and wide as the Mississippi. They often marry
each other, which shows what nerds they really are. And of
course they deserve each other. And it keeps the world fun for
the rest of us.

The constellation under which they are born is sometimes called
the "armpit of the zodiac", and it seems to rub off. There isn't
enough Old Spice in the universe to solve this problem.

There isn't really much more to say about Pisces people. Except
that creativity is often achieved through deprivation, and as a
result, some of the most expressive artists were born Pisceans.

Some famous people born under this sign include Henrik Ibsen,
Andrew Jackson, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Anais Nin, Elizabeth
Taylor, Ursula Andress, Renoir, Chopin, Handel, Rudolf Nureyev,
Jerry Lewis, David Niven, Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash (They
DO deserve each other!), Luther Burbank, Henry W. Longfellow,
Jackie Gleason, Lawrence Welk, Dinah Shore, Enrico Caruso.


12. Aries (March 21-April 20)

Aries people are dynamic, quick, original, energetic, innovative
leaders who are downright disgusting to be around. These are the
first people bought joggers, and actually jogged in them. They are
the people who read the text in sex manuals. And try to follow it
by the numbers.

Aries are honest and direct, and quick to find a motel room when
the boss's wife is horny. This is the guy who gets the woman into
the bedroom with a promise of 10 inches and 3 times, and turns out
to have 3 inches, but does it 10 times.

The Aries affair usually gets pretty kinky, because with that
limber body and great stamina, they get bored with "the same old
thing" every night. From woman-on-top to shetland-pony-on-top is
not a long leap for an Aries.

Famous people in the Aries birthright include: Bette Davis, Joan
Crawford, Johan Sebastian Bach, Doris Day, Marlon Brando, Omar
Sharif, Peter Ustinov, Harry Houdini and Debbie Reynolds.

It’s Monday..Time to start a new week…

I hope everyone has been enjoying the last few weeks that I have been M.I.A.  I’ve been dealing with a lot of bullshit, but I’m centered, organized, and ready to roll.  I thought since I’ve been thinking about penises lately, that for Monday, I’d start off with a penis joke.  I think this one is the one for you.  Enjoy….

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
   a man's penis was
   larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
   that the reason the
   head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
   during sex.
   After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
   decided to do their own
   study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
   the reason was to
   give the woman more pleasure during sex.
   The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
   their own study.
   After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
   to keep a man's
   hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Hope you enjoy your day. Don’t have a case of the Mondays. It’s totally not worth it. See you tomorrow.

*Fun fact of the day: Michaelangelo’s David was revealed today in Florence.  Go share that one at cocktail parties.